Friday, 30 December 2016

Pet Peeves (aka: ridding myself of the negatives before 2017)

As a way of 'cleansing my mental palette' before a brand new year, I have jotted down my ever-growing list of Pet Peeves. Things that truly annoy me, affect my mood more than they realistically should and most of the (valid) reasons that I prefer not going outside. Here, World...have my negative thoughts so my brain has more room for things that matter like remembering peoples birthdays and planning my future pets names.

The following list is sponsored by my pessimist father.
(Disclaimer: this list isn't meant to offend, if you find yourself offended or upset by anything I have written, go take a long look in the mirror and question all of your poor life choices.)

"Somethink".
Everytime someone pronounces 'Something' as 'Somethink' a page from the Oxford English Dictionary falls out, turns in to an origami bird and flies away to die. 

Farting in Public.
It's just gross. Excuse me if I don't want to smell your insides. This is particularly upsetting when I am in an enclosed space such as the London Tube, some jokester always lets one rip and I have to go through the effort of making obscene 'offended' looking faces as to tell the world that it wasn't me. Save me the hassle, you human petting zoo.

Keira Knightly.
I don't really know why, just something about that face.

People Who Crack Their Bones.
You know, like when people crack their neck, fingers and back. It's disturbing and I'm in constant fear that a bone is suddenly gonna pop out and I'm going to have to help you push it back in.

People Who Spit on the Ground.
Look, I'm aware I'm not Royalty of any kind (yet) but I do believe I shouldn't have to walk on the waste that comes out of your mouth because you spat on a public pavement. Grim.

Children (any human under the age of 10).
This one sounds harsh but hear me out...children are awful. They come with so many accessories, toys and germs. If I am emotionally attached to your child (like, if you came out of someone I love) then I'm fine, but if I don't know you, I'll never want to know you. Stop crying in public, if I have to keep my emotions at bay when out in the real world, then so do you kiddo. 

Consistent Lateness.
I had a friend that would be at least an hour late every time we met up, no matter how much warning she had and even when you would secretly alter the meeting time to counteract this, she'd be late. It's rude and sends the message that your time is more valuable than mine. Don't be a dick, be on time.

Tourists (London Based).

I understand that this does in fact make me a hypocrite because I have been a tourist in many countries but since moving to London a couple of years ago, I was exposed to the annoying combination of Tourists + Central London. No one knows where they're going, people stop to have their photo taken in the middle of pavements and they have shopping bags that are so large, I can only assume they are housing St. Bernard dogs in them.

The Phone Walkers.
Don't text while you walk, it's so irritating. No text/sext is so important that you need to slow down foot traffic to send it. Your witty musings will wait. A guy fell down the stairs infront of me in Clapham because he was instagramming while walking. Really think about that and his mindset at the time - "the world MUST this now, it simply cannot wait". I applauded his daring filter choice though, that absolute maverick.

Small Talk Text.
I hate this. If our text exchanges consist of and are limited to the following questions: "How are you?" "How was work?" "What are you up to this weekend?" then maybe let's not bother. If it would be a boring conversation in person, what on earth makes you think it'll be stimulating in writing. 

Humble Genetic Brags.
When someone brags about something they haven't earned like a fast metabolism or naturally thick hair, go fuck yourself.

The Smell of People's Sneezes.
This is niche but bare with me...when someone sneezes in an enclosed space, the smell is vile. This has happened to me in a lift before and I genuinely heaved a bit. If you've also had this experience, you will KNOW what I mean.

The Majority of Womenswear.
This is inspired by some of the great women I work with and a recent discussion we had. The lack of pockets and the abundance of only fitted clothing is a real pain in the tits for a lot of women. I just want clothing without always wanting to show every curve and whilst storing all my belongings on my person without a handbag. Here's looking at you, H&M.

Pokemon Go.
In theory, was a great idea. As a devoted Pokemon fan of many years, I was so excited for this, however it got boring real quick and made me resentful of my friends who got TOO in to it. Not once or twice but three separate times, I was with actual adults, out socializing but sitting in silence around a table because they were all playing Pokemon Go. Actual adults. With jobs and savings accounts. I just sat silently contemplating how I'd make new friends. 

Excuse me while I glide in to the new year, free of negative feelings...
I'll leave you with the wise words of Lauryn Hill:
"How you gonna win when you aint right within?..uh, uh...come again"

Faye.

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