Wednesday, 26 April 2017

'Girls' ended & I hate change...

"I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least a voice. Of a generation." - Hannah Horvath, 'Girls'

'Girls' is one of those television shows that divide audiences, some love it and find the brutally realistic (and at times vile) millennial characters endearing while others find the continual narcissism unbearable - I for one found it thoroughly captivating at all times and had a minor internal breakdown last weekend  whilst I binge watched the 6th and final season.

It feels extremely trivial to say a TV show changed me but 'Girls' did. I started watching it around 3 years ago when one of my favorite bloggers (LucyJaneWood) mentioned her admiration for it on her Instagram account. While mooching around HMV on a lunch break at my temporary and incredibly-low paying job at the time, I saw the seasons 1-3 boxset of 'Girls' for the bargain price of everything I had left in my overdraft, bought it to cheer myself up and then had my life consumed for 2 full days. The show spoke to me more than any other I'd watched before, validated my fears of feeling like I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up whilst in the horrible position of being considered 'a grown up' already and normalized my weird and rocky female friendships. The character Hannah spoke loudest to me and I mirrored her desires to write professionally (along with her general laziness and hopes that it would just be handed to her at some point with minimal effort) and felt uplifted with seeing someone posses a similar body shape to my own but adored the fact that it wasn't a part of her narrative. Her body image wasn't an issue for her, she was still sexy, desired, wore whatever she felt like and seemed shocked whenever it was somewhat of an 'issue' or noticed by others. That alone boosted my confidence in ways I can't explain and at times I channeled a real 'WWHHD?' (what would Hannah Horvath do?) mentality. Don't get me wrong, her character was incredibly flawed and at times she was very unlikable but as a character she meant a lot to me and strangely helped me. The show pushed me to make the move to a city, inspired me to 'find the story' in all of life's ups & downs and provoked me to care less about my narcissistic tendencies that I had continual guilt for.

Fast forward to the shows end and the bleak but necessary closing act of 'Girls'. As I sat crossed legged on my bed, hugging a giant pillow and slowly sipping a large gin & orange juice through a stolen Starbucks straw, I felt such a crushing blow when the credits rolled and that was it, my favorite show had finished forever. They'd be no more new episodes, no more funny Shosh quotes, no more counting down the days until the new season would start and no more Adam Driver being Adam. It was a crushing reminder of how much I hate change. I've always been hesitant for big life changes and closing life chapters as I get so emotionally attached to things, places and people. Anything from a vacation ending to moving out of my childhood home, it all affects me the same way, I just fucking hate it. Like now for instance, I have been keen on the idea of moving out of my current flat for a while in the hopes of falling in love with a new part of London and spicing life up a bit but I fear having to meet new roommates, make myself at home in a new bedroom and getting used to a new area. I'm a creature of habit and enjoy nothing more than settling in to something or somewhere. Even breaking up with terrible boyfriends leaves me with a horrible gut feeling I can't shake for months as I have to get used to not seeing them despite the fact that by that point I actually hate them and wish they'd lose every possession they've ever loved in a horrible but controlled fire (oop, my 'crazy' is showing. Allow me to shove that back under the proverbial rug).

A couple of weeks ago, I was offered a new job which is beyond exciting and full of great prospects and for once isn't filling me with the dreaded 'first day at school feeling' because not only is it at my current place of work but it is also on the same floor, in the same room and around 4 banks of desks away from my previous team. The biggest bonus of all? It's permanent! So after 2 and a bit years of living in London and hopping from contracted job to contracted job, having to get used to new people, new commutes and new offices, I finally have a role I can settle in to and get all kinds of comfy. It couldn't be more ideal for a change-hater such as myself.

Despite being slightly on the wrong side of 'nuts' for being so affected by an American TV show, I think a lot of people can relate to the fear of change and the unknown of the future. 'Girls' will eternally live on in my DVD collection and will forever be thought of to me as a truly revolutionary program. Of course life will go on and I will find new things that inspire me so that I can narcissistically become attached and consumed by them and tell the world that it reminds me of me because...TWHHWD (that's what Hannah Horvath would do).

"You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday, even on the days you don't feel like it." - Jessa Johansson, 'Girls'

Faye x

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