Dear Drunk Faye,
How’re you doing girl? Sober Faye here, just checking in and making sure you haven’t wandered off for attention again. First things first, how’re you enjoying that 20 McNugget Sharebox? So smart of you to get TWO medium fries for you and your imaginary friend to throw off the teenage fast food employee - even when wasted, you’re fearful of looking like a gluttonous hog and I admire that. Eating both portions of fries before you left McDonalds and aggressively yelling that they didn’t give you the 80 ketchups you requested was a bit of a giveaway though, just a heads up for next time.
So, how was your night? Just a word of warning, please don’t look at your phone as soon as you wake up. Your hangover will be brewing, you’ll be overly emotional and I’m not quite sure you’ll be ready to face the messages and phone calls you made whilst in the midst of a blackout. When will you learn that shots are never a good idea? I know, I know, your pals forced you. I really wish you’d grow out of reacting to peer pressure like Billy Big Bollocks but alas, you’re a people pleaser and must now suffer the vomit-inducing consequences. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
A little note for the future, your friends, family, ex-boyfriends and colleagues don’t need to hear from you at 3am on a Wednesday night (and if your exes don’t answer the phone after one try, please put your phone away. Them waking up to 13 missed calls from you and various voicemails is just humiliating. They WILL save these voicemails to play back to you and you’ll ponder death in a real serious way). Maybe from now on, you should turn your phone off when you’re drinking heavily? A light suggestion from a mate. While were on the subject, please stop drunk calling your sister and dad at 1am, it’s not funny and it just makes them panic. Oh and for the love of god, stop replying to everyones Instagram stories, it just leads to horrendously awkward small talk the next day and that is frankly the last thing you need to deal with whilst hungover. I'm just awaiting the day you go off the rails and start drunk messaging people on LinkedIn. Oh, that happened last night? Good.
Drunk Faye, hun, stop treating booze like truth serum - no one, and I mean NO ONE needs to know how bad your mental health is currently and they certainly don't need to know (in graphic detail) the things you like or would change about your vagina. Save those juicy anecdotes for your diary or maybe don’t discuss it at all? just a thought. Anywho, did you make any nice new friends when you visited the toilets 15-30 times last night? I know you like to be everyones BFF and be Mrs ‘Make it Rain’ when you’re out in groups but please try and not spend too much money - just go to Sainsburys and smuggle in some Gins in Tins to the club, I promise you’ll thank me tomorrow! Maybe even treat yourself to one of those tiny bottles of prosecco? You can do that joke you love about you being a giant and it actually being a normal sized bottle of bubbly. LOL, gets me every time. Such a crowdpleaser!
I’ve put some bits in the fridge for you for tomorrow including some chocolate you’ll inevitably vomit up in the nearest sink and a litre of coke zero for you to drink straight out of the bottle like a human trash bag - when you wake up tomorrow horrifically early (because life is unfair and you know you can’t sleep when you’re white woman wasted), you will still be drunk so try to shower straight away before the hangover really kicks in to gear otherwise you’ll be bed bound with ‘festival body’ (various scents, mostly booze and regret) and will repeatedly beg your roommate for a sponge bath. She’ll just say no and it’ll make you paranoid. Again, it’s not that she doesn’t want to see you naked, it just a weird request to ask as a capable human adult.
I’ll be livid if you’ve wet the bed.
All the best,
P.S - Wait until you’ve finished having your ‘hungover tactical chunders’ before you order deliveroo, if you order it during, it'll just be cold by the time you finish puking and crying. No one likes a cold nandos. How have you not learnt this lesson yet? Every fucking time.
P.P.S - Genuinely, I’ll be fuming if you’ve pissed the bed.