Dear Sober Faye,
Hey bitch, guess who? How’s your head? (Joke answer - ‘I’ve had no complaints’. And you thought spending all those days in bed bingeing Ru Pauls Drag Race episodes was a waste of your precious life!)
I drank that Cava you had in the fridge. I know you said you were saving it for a night in with your roommate this weekend but I drank it and that happened. It just all happened so fast. Oh and I re-downloaded Bumble for you because I’m concerned you’ll die alone. I used a David Brent quote as your bio so you’ll be swarmed with male genitalia in no time! Maybe consider taking some nudes in preparation for all the sexy chat you’re about to have? Chill out, just a suggestion.
I’ve had such a fun night!! I did you a favour and called all of your most recent exes relentlessly and was sure to leave various voicemails so they’d know you meant business! I just assumed they all wanted to know how you were doing and how much you’re thriving since they all stopped finding you attractive. I made sure to tell them several times that you don’t miss them. I played it so cool. I was like a bloody iceberg. I could’ve destroyed the Titanic with how COOL I played it.
I just finished McNugget number 18 and I keep getting sick burps but I’ll force the next 2 down because I know you haaaaaattttte waste. I’m just so hungry and so sad. ReMeMbEr wHeN yOu UsEd tO wRiTe eVeRyThInG LiKe tHiS?! wHy dId yOu sToP dOiNg tHiS? iTs sO fUcKiNg fUn. bAhHhHhH aRgHhH bOoOoOoOoBiEs. Anyway.
I drank that wine you had in the kitchen. I know you said you were saving it for your friend visiting next week and you wanted to seem like the kind of person who just has wine in their flat all the time and you didn’t want to rush to Tesco whenever you have guests coming over but I drank it and were just gonna have to accept it. Again, it happened really fast. Time got away from me.
Thanks for leaving all our skincare out next to our bed - I guess you assumed it would mean I would properly clean my face before I head to dreamland but jokes on you, I will be young and supple forever so I don’t need skincare. I am beautiful in every single way, words won’t bring me down, noooo! Just like Christina told us!!! Wanna know what Christina Aguilera didn't tell us? Tit sweat happens. It's a mare and I'm smothered. When you're in bed all day tomorrow, google how much breast reductions are or how much it is to singe off all your sweat glands. I'll ask for it for christmas from mum and dad.
You’d be soooo proud of me - I made tons of new toilet pals tonight and I complimented all of them numerous times and asked where all of their dresses were from because I'm the nicest guy in town. Were now all following each other on Twitter and we even danced to R.Kelly together. Don’t worry you boring beast, we OBVS talked about how bad a guy he is but you KNOW how I get when ‘Ignition (remix)’ comes on! That’s my lady jam! Side note - have you ever heard the non ‘remix’ version of Ignition or do you reckon he just put that in the title? I’ve finished the nuggets now. I have ketchup in my hair.
I think I left the fridge open but I’m too cosy to go and look so I’m sorry in advance if i made a whoopsie. Why does everything have to be refrigerated anyway? Cavemen were fine and had no fridge. If anything, they thrived without electricity distracting them. I sick burped again. I haven’t checked my bag to make sure I have everything with me so could you be a sweet little lamb and check it tomorrow between your vomits? Be right back…
I was sick.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes,
PS. I wet the bed a little/loads/some. sOrRyYyYyY.