Friday, 30 December 2016

Pet Peeves (aka: ridding myself of the negatives before 2017)

As a way of 'cleansing my mental palette' before a brand new year, I have jotted down my ever-growing list of Pet Peeves. Things that truly annoy me, affect my mood more than they realistically should and most of the (valid) reasons that I prefer not going outside. Here, World...have my negative thoughts so my brain has more room for things that matter like remembering peoples birthdays and planning my future pets names.

The following list is sponsored by my pessimist father.
(Disclaimer: this list isn't meant to offend, if you find yourself offended or upset by anything I have written, go take a long look in the mirror and question all of your poor life choices.)

Everytime someone pronounces 'Something' as 'Somethink' a page from the Oxford English Dictionary falls out, turns in to an origami bird and flies away to die. 

Farting in Public.
It's just gross. Excuse me if I don't want to smell your insides. This is particularly upsetting when I am in an enclosed space such as the London Tube, some jokester always lets one rip and I have to go through the effort of making obscene 'offended' looking faces as to tell the world that it wasn't me. Save me the hassle, you human petting zoo.

Keira Knightly.
I don't really know why, just something about that face.

People Who Crack Their Bones.
You know, like when people crack their neck, fingers and back. It's disturbing and I'm in constant fear that a bone is suddenly gonna pop out and I'm going to have to help you push it back in.

People Who Spit on the Ground.
Look, I'm aware I'm not Royalty of any kind (yet) but I do believe I shouldn't have to walk on the waste that comes out of your mouth because you spat on a public pavement. Grim.

Children (any human under the age of 10).
This one sounds harsh but hear me out...children are awful. They come with so many accessories, toys and germs. If I am emotionally attached to your child (like, if you came out of someone I love) then I'm fine, but if I don't know you, I'll never want to know you. Stop crying in public, if I have to keep my emotions at bay when out in the real world, then so do you kiddo. 

Consistent Lateness.
I had a friend that would be at least an hour late every time we met up, no matter how much warning she had and even when you would secretly alter the meeting time to counteract this, she'd be late. It's rude and sends the message that your time is more valuable than mine. Don't be a dick, be on time.

Tourists (London Based).

I understand that this does in fact make me a hypocrite because I have been a tourist in many countries but since moving to London a couple of years ago, I was exposed to the annoying combination of Tourists + Central London. No one knows where they're going, people stop to have their photo taken in the middle of pavements and they have shopping bags that are so large, I can only assume they are housing St. Bernard dogs in them.

The Phone Walkers.
Don't text while you walk, it's so irritating. No text/sext is so important that you need to slow down foot traffic to send it. Your witty musings will wait. A guy fell down the stairs infront of me in Clapham because he was instagramming while walking. Really think about that and his mindset at the time - "the world MUST this now, it simply cannot wait". I applauded his daring filter choice though, that absolute maverick.

Small Talk Text.
I hate this. If our text exchanges consist of and are limited to the following questions: "How are you?" "How was work?" "What are you up to this weekend?" then maybe let's not bother. If it would be a boring conversation in person, what on earth makes you think it'll be stimulating in writing. 

Humble Genetic Brags.
When someone brags about something they haven't earned like a fast metabolism or naturally thick hair, go fuck yourself.

The Smell of People's Sneezes.
This is niche but bare with me...when someone sneezes in an enclosed space, the smell is vile. This has happened to me in a lift before and I genuinely heaved a bit. If you've also had this experience, you will KNOW what I mean.

The Majority of Womenswear.
This is inspired by some of the great women I work with and a recent discussion we had. The lack of pockets and the abundance of only fitted clothing is a real pain in the tits for a lot of women. I just want clothing without always wanting to show every curve and whilst storing all my belongings on my person without a handbag. Here's looking at you, H&M.

Pokemon Go.
In theory, was a great idea. As a devoted Pokemon fan of many years, I was so excited for this, however it got boring real quick and made me resentful of my friends who got TOO in to it. Not once or twice but three separate times, I was with actual adults, out socializing but sitting in silence around a table because they were all playing Pokemon Go. Actual adults. With jobs and savings accounts. I just sat silently contemplating how I'd make new friends. 

Excuse me while I glide in to the new year, free of negative feelings...
I'll leave you with the wise words of Lauryn Hill:
"How you gonna win when you aint right within?..uh, uh...come again"


Thursday, 24 November 2016

Periods: A Poetic Tribute


Help me, help me, my uterus is shedding
I’m cramping, I’m moody and I’ve ruined all my bedding.
Try not to pity me, I’ll take it on the chin
but please don’t acknowledge the contents of my bin.

Love me, love me, I’m feeling so unhinged
I’m paranoid of panty lines and extra bloat from where I’ve binged.
You’d think after 10 years, I’d know what I was doing
but every 4 weeks, I fear the bloody monster that is brewing.

Leave me, leave me, I just want to be alone
but on the other hand I’m horny because I’m a walking hormone.
I’ve never felt less attractive and my vaginas a crime scene
you say I’m overly sensitive, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Humour me, humour me, allow my bitchy ways
I didn’t request the privilege of non stop bleeding for days.
Toilet trips are traumatizing and you’ll never understand
as if my day couldn’t any get worse, I just got some on my hand.

Kill me, kill me, I can’t take decades more of this,
the excuse to not have sex is the only part I’d miss.
But now the crimson wave is ending and my woes are harder to find…
so you know when I requested you kill me? Yeah…never mind.

(During a recent visit from 'Aunt Flow', I was brimming with emotions and decided to channel these feelings in to a somewhat graphic poem. Soooo there's my tribute to that special time of the month…)


Thursday, 17 November 2016

Online Dating

Online Dating.

I remember times as a teenager when I would binge watch episodes of ‘Sex & The City’ almost every night and think to myself “dating is not like this, why does every man have some crazy comedic quirk? where are the normal dudes at ladies?!” but throughout the last 2 years of online dating, I can safely say that no, not every man is batshit crazy but unfortunately they do appear to be the majority featured in the internet dating scene. Tarring them all with the same brush? Yes, but you would too if you had a stranger call you an ‘illiterate bitch’ for politely declining his request for you to send a picture of your boobs (I spelt a word wrong when saying no so the illiterate comment was practically handed to him, I was livid but respected him for his quick wit). 

I have met several men from the world wide web now, all from my dating app of choice Tinder as it feels less like a serious manhunt and more like a game of ‘would I want to see you naked one day?’, these men have varied from the in-denial drug addict, the in-denial homosexual man all the way to the socially awkward quiet guy and the sexually aggressive nerd but tonight out of the blue a man sparked up a conversation with me online and it was truly the straw that broke the camel toe…

His name was Bill, he opened with a GIF of a kitten and proceeded to sweet talk me for hours. He complimented my sense of humor, appeared to have a lot of the same interests as me and told me about his incredible job that involves rubbing shoulders with various A-list actors. All was going so well until the standard online dating question arose:
“So, what are you looking for on Tinder?”
This is a predictable question and one I hate so I used a vague and simple response of “not really sure to be honest, what about you?” what came next was neither expected nor warranted behaviour…
“I’m looking for someone who’s in to the same things as me sexually. Kinky things. You know like biting, spanking, tying up, burning, blindfolding, whipping, nothing too crazy though.” I assumed he was kidding. He had to be kidding. He wasn’t kidding. I responded with a classy “At ease soldier” and immediately deleted my Tinder account. Not today, Christian Grey. It’s my fault, I ignored the signs but he seemed so normal! Hindsight though…he used so many winky faces…red flag…he said ‘lol’ too often…redder flag…he had Super Liked me (the highest of compliments on Tinder)…reddest flag!!! It was a sour reminder that anyone can seem normal online, you can keep your crazy at bay for weeks and that online life just isn’t for me. I gave it the old college try but I am gracefully bowing out while my dignity is still in tact and my genitals remain unphotographed. 

I have compiled a small list of ‘Warning Signs’ when using dating apps...

1. Someone who says ‘haha’, ‘hahahahahaha’ or ‘lol’ after everything you say. It means not only are they not paying attention to anything you’ve said but they are also clinically insane. 

2. If they use those overly complicated ‘anime style’ smileys (examples including things like (‘*~*’) ) these most likely mean that this person has watched Japanese cartoon porn more than once and will hide their internet history with an intensity reminiscent of a serial killer. 

3. If they use too many winky faces and frequent sexual innuendos, especially early on in the conversation. Example ‘so, what are you willing to do for that information? ;)’ is a genuine response I have received when I asked someone what their job was. Not only was his job not sexy (bank based) but his creepy response left the impression that he's the kind of human who has masturbated at work before.

4. Too many selfies. If the only pictures you are using to represent yourself are photos you have taken of your own pouty mug, then yeah you might be a narcissist and therefore will probably be a bit of a dick. What’s with that low angle photo placement, fellas? Did MySpace teach you nothing?

5. Men who have gone HAAM* on Microsoft Paint to write captions on their pictures such as ‘Hot Pick of the Week!’, ‘Swipe Right for a True Gentleman’ or my favorite which is just a selfie with various reasons why you should swipe yes written around their face like ‘pays for dinner’ and ‘will treat you like a queen’. 
*hard as a mother

6. Bio descriptions that use the phrase ‘Not looking for anything serious…’. This means they would prefer to see you naked quickly just incase they accidentally get to know you and have their tough hearts exposed…those broody bastards. And they’ll probably call you vile names at some point when you don't drop everything to go hang out with them - defense mechanisms, classic hunk move. 

I'm leaving the online dating to the pro's and will go back to meeting men the old fashioned way: see a lovely looking man while out and about, lock eyes, look for signs of weakness then pretend to be on the phone and loudly say "for christ's sake! If one more man tells me my vagina is too tight..." followed by a long, seductive hair twirl.