Thursday, 24 November 2016

Periods: A Poetic Tribute


Help me, help me, my uterus is shedding
I’m cramping, I’m moody and I’ve ruined all my bedding.
Try not to pity me, I’ll take it on the chin
but please don’t acknowledge the contents of my bin.

Love me, love me, I’m feeling so unhinged
I’m paranoid of panty lines and extra bloat from where I’ve binged.
You’d think after 10 years, I’d know what I was doing
but every 4 weeks, I fear the bloody monster that is brewing.

Leave me, leave me, I just want to be alone
but on the other hand I’m horny because I’m a walking hormone.
I’ve never felt less attractive and my vaginas a crime scene
you say I’m overly sensitive, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Humour me, humour me, allow my bitchy ways
I didn’t request the privilege of non stop bleeding for days.
Toilet trips are traumatizing and you’ll never understand
as if my day couldn’t any get worse, I just got some on my hand.

Kill me, kill me, I can’t take decades more of this,
the excuse to not have sex is the only part I’d miss.
But now the crimson wave is ending and my woes are harder to find…
so you know when I requested you kill me? Yeah…never mind.

(During a recent visit from 'Aunt Flow', I was brimming with emotions and decided to channel these feelings in to a somewhat graphic poem. Soooo there's my tribute to that special time of the month…)


Thursday, 17 November 2016

Online Dating

Online Dating.

I remember times as a teenager when I would binge watch episodes of ‘Sex & The City’ almost every night and think to myself “dating is not like this, why does every man have some crazy comedic quirk? where are the normal dudes at ladies?!” but throughout the last 2 years of online dating, I can safely say that no, not every man is batshit crazy but unfortunately they do appear to be the majority featured in the internet dating scene. Tarring them all with the same brush? Yes, but you would too if you had a stranger call you an ‘illiterate bitch’ for politely declining his request for you to send a picture of your boobs (I spelt a word wrong when saying no so the illiterate comment was practically handed to him, I was livid but respected him for his quick wit). 

I have met several men from the world wide web now, all from my dating app of choice Tinder as it feels less like a serious manhunt and more like a game of ‘would I want to see you naked one day?’, these men have varied from the in-denial drug addict, the in-denial homosexual man all the way to the socially awkward quiet guy and the sexually aggressive nerd but tonight out of the blue a man sparked up a conversation with me online and it was truly the straw that broke the camel toe…

His name was Bill, he opened with a GIF of a kitten and proceeded to sweet talk me for hours. He complimented my sense of humor, appeared to have a lot of the same interests as me and told me about his incredible job that involves rubbing shoulders with various A-list actors. All was going so well until the standard online dating question arose:
“So, what are you looking for on Tinder?”
This is a predictable question and one I hate so I used a vague and simple response of “not really sure to be honest, what about you?” what came next was neither expected nor warranted behaviour…
“I’m looking for someone who’s in to the same things as me sexually. Kinky things. You know like biting, spanking, tying up, burning, blindfolding, whipping, nothing too crazy though.” I assumed he was kidding. He had to be kidding. He wasn’t kidding. I responded with a classy “At ease soldier” and immediately deleted my Tinder account. Not today, Christian Grey. It’s my fault, I ignored the signs but he seemed so normal! Hindsight though…he used so many winky faces…red flag…he said ‘lol’ too often…redder flag…he had Super Liked me (the highest of compliments on Tinder)…reddest flag!!! It was a sour reminder that anyone can seem normal online, you can keep your crazy at bay for weeks and that online life just isn’t for me. I gave it the old college try but I am gracefully bowing out while my dignity is still in tact and my genitals remain unphotographed. 

I have compiled a small list of ‘Warning Signs’ when using dating apps...

1. Someone who says ‘haha’, ‘hahahahahaha’ or ‘lol’ after everything you say. It means not only are they not paying attention to anything you’ve said but they are also clinically insane. 

2. If they use those overly complicated ‘anime style’ smileys (examples including things like (‘*~*’) ) these most likely mean that this person has watched Japanese cartoon porn more than once and will hide their internet history with an intensity reminiscent of a serial killer. 

3. If they use too many winky faces and frequent sexual innuendos, especially early on in the conversation. Example ‘so, what are you willing to do for that information? ;)’ is a genuine response I have received when I asked someone what their job was. Not only was his job not sexy (bank based) but his creepy response left the impression that he's the kind of human who has masturbated at work before.

4. Too many selfies. If the only pictures you are using to represent yourself are photos you have taken of your own pouty mug, then yeah you might be a narcissist and therefore will probably be a bit of a dick. What’s with that low angle photo placement, fellas? Did MySpace teach you nothing?

5. Men who have gone HAAM* on Microsoft Paint to write captions on their pictures such as ‘Hot Pick of the Week!’, ‘Swipe Right for a True Gentleman’ or my favorite which is just a selfie with various reasons why you should swipe yes written around their face like ‘pays for dinner’ and ‘will treat you like a queen’. 
*hard as a mother

6. Bio descriptions that use the phrase ‘Not looking for anything serious…’. This means they would prefer to see you naked quickly just incase they accidentally get to know you and have their tough hearts exposed…those broody bastards. And they’ll probably call you vile names at some point when you don't drop everything to go hang out with them - defense mechanisms, classic hunk move. 

I'm leaving the online dating to the pro's and will go back to meeting men the old fashioned way: see a lovely looking man while out and about, lock eyes, look for signs of weakness then pretend to be on the phone and loudly say "for christ's sake! If one more man tells me my vagina is too tight..." followed by a long, seductive hair twirl.